Bad things I’ve done

Nothing. I have never done and will never do anything bad, ever. (Pause.) Okay, my kids are gone, we can talk! An interviewer asked me what the worst thing I’d ever done was. I said, “I thought about cheating on a math test once.” And that was the worst thing I could come up with.

But then I thought a little more. The following are some of my less than stellar moments.

Locked the Dean boys out of their house when I was babysitting. Listen. The Dukes of Hazzard was on, okay? And the boys were being really naughty. I let their sister stay inside, for the record. She was very well behaved. I had to relent and let the boys back in when I heard Josh’s footsteps on the roof. (True story.)

Told my children that sibling bickering was the leading cause of heart attacks in mothers.

Went into a deep closet in my grandparents house when I was about 12, held the door shut so my sister couldn’t follow and then said, “What’s this? A door? Wow! Where am I? Can this be…Narnia?”

Laughed myself sick when my mother fell off her crutches in the ER. I had just told the nurse that there was no way Mom possessed the coordination required to use crutches, so it wasn’t really my fault. And Mom was laughing too. Maybe crying a little too, but definitely laughing.

Oh, the fun of being bad!

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