Dating tips from Love Is Blind

My trash TV jewel is Love Is Blind on Netflix. The show where you have long, intense conversations without seeing the other person, which leads either in you leaving the show, or getting engaged. You’re looking for love…can you fall for someone’s character without seeing them first? The answer is yes…but it sure helps if the other person is incredibly attractive (hello, Brett and Tiffany!). Your Auntie Kristan watched Season 4, and man! It made me want to be a dating coach, asap. Here are a few takeaways from a person who’s been married for three decades.

Ask questions that have meaning. What are your goals in life? How important is your family to you? What are some of the lessons you learned from your childhood? Whether on a television show or texting with someone you met on an app, remember that your time is valuable. You want to find a partner, not be the Cutest Girl on the Internet, LOL! Ask questions that will reveal substance. Oh, and important note…listen to the answers. Metabolize those answers and comment on them. Don’t immediately chime in with, “Oh, my God, me too!” or “That’s so random because I, me, I, myself, my friend, me!” Remember when Tiffany listened to Brett talking about his life, and responded with a comment about his goodness, and how he inspired her to be a better person? That’s how adults who are emotionally mature talk. More emotionally mature adults, please, Netflix!

Love is not blind. Sure, it’s a great concept—looks don’t matter. And they might not. The actor Adam Driver is, I think we can all agree, kind of ugly. And also incredibly attractive. Chemistry matters. Looks and style say a lot about someone. Skinny, flannel-wearing environmental scientist Paul would have drawn some conclusions about Micah based on the evidence. Said evidence: spray tans, bleached teeth, lip filler, hair extensions, false eyelashes, makeup you needed to remove with a chisel (and this from a person who loves makeup). All that says a lot about her priorities, which were very different from his. She gets to choose to focus on all that. It’s her life. But Paul is allowed to react to those priorities. That whole interrogation he got at the reunion about his ”not nurturing” comment… Paul, we all know what you meant.

Enough with the fake laughing. Gosh, I’m fun! I laugh and laugh! See how I’m laughing? I will keep this up until you laugh, too, or I will die trying! Genuine laughing, now that’s wonderful. Incredibly attractive. Fake laughing is the opposite. Every time Chelsea tossed back her head and bellowed with laughter, I was thinking, “Easy, sweetheart. You’re trying way too hard.”

Stop. Touching. Your. Hair. For the love of God, stop it! Oh, sure, we all touch our hair. But ladies, especially you with the hair extensions that go down to your ass, stop fondling your locks. You look self-obsessed (possibly because you are). You’re self-soothing in this odd, millennial way that no other generation adopted, reminding yourself, “I’m pretty, see my hair, it’s so long, don’t you love me, I super love me!”

Record yourself talking, then correct as needed. “It’s like, I don’t, like, even know, but like, I totally, like, had, like, a connection with you, like in the pods, and like, that was, like, real.” Nails on a chalkboard. Is that how you’ll talk to your child someday? “Like, hey, like, little baby, like, dude, stop crying, it’s just, like, colic.”

Lose the false eyelashes. When it appears that you cannot open your eyes underneath the weight of the small animal perched on your upper lid, you look weird. Hand to God, I thought at least two brides were going to look down and have those eyelashes drop to the ground with a thud, then watch as they scampered back into the woods. (Tiffany, yours were perfect, like everything else about you.)

If you go on a television show and are cruel, mocking and hateful, prepare to be despised. Sure, you’ll be famous…for being a horrible human. Then you’ll take to TikTok and tell people you’re actually such a good person, but no one will ever believe you, because we all saw what you were doing. That will follow you the rest of your life. Was getting some more followers worth it?

Learn to apologize. Zach, having ditched the Disney Villain Irina, then met up with Bliss. “I chose the wrong person. I know it, and you know it.” And then, when she was angry and kept bringing it up, he took it like a man. She needed to let out that anger and hurt, and he accepted it, knowing he was the cause of her heartache. Contrast this with other contestants saying, “I totally take accountability for my actions, but here’s a list of my excuses / what he did was worse / sorry if I offended someone / I have mental health problems .” My loves…we all have mental health problems at least at some point in our lives. That doesn’t transform us into spiteful, cruel humans. You are who you are. You’re not fooling anyone.

I think my biggest takeaway from Love Is Blind is this: talking about life, priorities, family, hopes and dreams without distraction is a shortcut to finding a partner. In a world where our phones give us tens of thousands of people to choose from, maybe we just need to invest more time talking, not texting, with with the people we come across in real life.

I think I'm going to become a dating coach. Is that a thing? It should be.